The songs that can pull me out of a bad mood.

I like to say I suffer from chronic mood swings. I think from now on I will just I have "CMS." Which I guess I could just call PMS but then all the feminists get their panties in a wad because "it's what guys use to belittle a woman's bad mood." But frankly, I think CMS works just as well. One of the things that amazes me about music is that it can alter my mood pretty freaking rapidly. For awhile after my divorce, I couldn't hear the song "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder without wanting to punch out my radio. I lived that, asshole, your song sucks! But most of the time music can change my mood positively.

For example, when I'm feeling irrationally sad I like to listen to this song:

I love this song for so many reasons. First, the guy is incredibly talented. His voice just puts me in a good mood. Second, the guy is pretty freaking adorable. And finally, just the beat behind the song. It's something I always feel like groovin' to even though I couldn't dance to save my life. I've listened to the original of this song and can't stand it. It's way too slow! But the way Walk off the Earth fiddled with it makes it perfect to pull me out of a bad mood.

I'm actually just posting that video because frankly I'm having a hard time working up the nerve to talk about the real song I wanted to write about - and the story that goes along with it. In fact, I really wish I had a beer right now so that maybe I'd stop holding my breath every few seconds. I said I suffer from CMS but I don't really get depressed all that often.. More often than not I get really, really angry. And when I get that angry I like to listen to Otep.

This song in particular really helps me calm down. I know you're probably thinking "what the effing eff? this is some seriously angry music. How could it possibly HELP you?" And the answer is not a simple one. If you've ever listen to this album there's a song in the beginning titled "Tortured." It deals with molestation. And the first time I ever heard the first song on this album I realized how much a lot of the music on the album as a whole was going to speak to me. I was molested as a child, twice. As I type this I feel sick and I'm losing my nerve to actually post this.

I can't remember how old I was. But I can remember every. Single. Detail. I remember what they look like, what I was wearing, where I was. And I hate it. I was, and am, angry about it. Why would someone I trust do that? Where were the people who were supposed to be my parents? I've gotten a lot better over the years in controlling my anger but sometimes I have days where I  become completely irrational and I can't stop yelling.

I think the reason that Otep makes my anger ebb is because the lady fucking gets me. Pardon the language. When I listen to Otep, I feel like the singer is able to say exactly how I wish I could express myself when my anger builds up. Some of the lyrics from the song I posted above are exactly how I feel:

"I'm failing
I'm angry

I use my fear
to empower my hate" 

Other songs on the album do the same for me. I can just relate to what she's saying, what she must have been feeling as she wrote it. I love that about music. Some songs are so incredible, to me, that they can easily alter my mood. And while it's not always positive, like the Hinder song, I feel like being able to listen to music when I'm sad or upset and feeling better is awesome.

I'm going to admit that I wrote this post weeks ago but I had a hard time proof reading it so I didn't want to post it. Even now I'm having a hard time just hitting the publish button. I'm going to do it but I think I need to explain why I'm scared: I'm afraid of being pitied. I'm afraid people will think they can excuse certain behaviors from me because I haven't had it easy. I don't want that, at all. So, please don't. [Also, this post was hard for me to proof read so please forgive my mistakes.]