"Almost Lover" and an Introduction

I don't know how to start this. I really don't. I've struggled for a long time on just the title of my blog. I have a bunch of ideas for posts. But the introductory post has stumped me every time I've tried to write one. This is the third one I've done, actually, and each one of those three has been completely different from the first.

I don't know what to say because I'm not good at telling my own story. You want to hear about my daughter? I'm full of stories and you probably can't get me to shut up. You want to know how I ended up where I am today? All I can say is I've tried. I'd never claim to be a good mother and I would never claim to be anything exceptional. I've tried to do the best I can.

I have a story to tell but I don't think I can tell it all at once and I don't think I could do it without some help. So, what I decided to do was to use music. I love music even though I can't sing or play any instruments. Music means a lot to me whether it be because the lyrics express something I can't or the tune just makes me do a little dance. I enjoy every genre and I want to discover more. 


So, how do I introduce myself when I can't even fill out the profile for this site? I don't know. Instead, I think I'll tell you about what's been on my mind most often lately and I'll first let a song tell you:

This song is incredible. Not just because of her voice because of what she says. It explains exactly how I feel about the idea of "love." I think the best way to describe it is that I'm "disenchanted." As most of you won't know, I'm divorced. I got married when I was 17 and while most of you are probably already building up a judgement I thought it was love. I was pregnant at the time and I was ready to be a wife and mom and have a sense of family. 

However, my now ex-husband was not. I won't go into the details of the story yet suffice to say I am now 22 years old and divorced. I have dated and been in relationships since and everyone of them - in some way - has said they loved me.


Maybe I have some crazy idea of love that doesn't really exist. I feel like there are two core pieces to being in love: acceptance and loyalty. I have never witnessed either. But maybe those two core pieces are what I have set up as standards because they are what I have seen falter the fastest in my relationships. It's possible that love has many more pieces I can't pin down.


It's not just my past relationships that have jaded me. I am the kind of person that learns from her own mistakes and others as well. I am a people watcher. I have seen people say they love each other and then act in ways in which I have to think "this is love?"


I want to fall in love and I want to fall in love hard. I want someone to care about me so much that the thought of me dying would feel like their heart was ripping from their chest. And I want to feel that way in return. I think, though, I may need to change my perception of love.